New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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