Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
