if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
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You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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