the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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