well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
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He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
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Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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