Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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