FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
