My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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