i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
