she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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