Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
