My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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