thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
