its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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