i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
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Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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