you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
