He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
