I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
