the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
