I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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