My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
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guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
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He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.