Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone