you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I checked into jail on foursquare
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.