i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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