need another drink. this is the easiest way
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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