When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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