three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
