My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
