Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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