dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
