the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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