i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
