I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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