Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
