I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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