i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
