Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
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then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
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I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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