I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
