Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
