what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
