It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
