About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
