Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
