He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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