be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
