Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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