i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
