i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
