sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
