I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
