apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
