well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize