genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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