I accidentally burped into my bong.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
