Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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