Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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