I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
