im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
