Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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