6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
