take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
