You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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