im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
