I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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